poetic_concerto

jordan and i broke up.
i dont know how to feel.
cause i'm stoned. maybe a good thing.
my stomach feels like i got punched.

i haven't written in a long time. i've just been too busy or too apathetic.
life is fine i guess. i'm still alive.

over summer, i went to toronto to experience the film festival.
one night, since i was with my mom, i was at the hotel really early.
and of course my mom fell asleep: she was 50, but I was 20. And I stayed in the room looking out the window at all the rooftop parties and cried.
I cried because I never thought I would have a fun life like that.

Now I am 21, and I am upstairs, listening to the party/kickback that is happening in my own house. And yet, I am still crying, pining to be accepted.

Why am I the girl that is told to shut the fuck up; why am I different?
Why can't I be normal? Or included?

Will I always be like this. This sad, sad girl always on the outside?
Why is it that I am still feeling like this long after my teenage angst years? What is wrong with me?

OMG! I GOT INTO COLUMBIA :))))

I am so lucky!!!

my life isn't fair.
right when i think i have found a great guy,
i have to graduate and leave.
so he doesn't/can't/won't love me.


this is fucked up.
why does this happen to me.
all i want is a stupid story-like relationship,
don't i deserve that after everything i've been through?

i'd rather never have had a boyfriend than have a string of pointless ones.

Ha It's kind of funny.
I just read a reply that Lauren wrote on one of my posts where I was questioning my relationship with Jordan.
I wrote I love him and he loves me too.
But last night /I found out that he doesn't.
He took back his i love you last night.. And now everything is different.
From the botched threesome to the loss of love, i don't think I can continue with this.
He's not being outright mean. But it's a different kind of hurt I feel.
And I'm so hurt, I need to tell him how I really feel...

just to remember:
i had a threesome tonight.
But it turned into a twosome.
And I was not part of that twosome.
I drank and maybe not have made the best judgement, but I kept saying it was okay. And eventually, it wasn't okay. To the point where I hid in the bathroom until my BOYFRIEND and the girl were finished having sex.

IS it worth is having a hot boyfriend, if I don't really have him?
I enjoyed it in the beginning when I was involved, but it is a difficult situation to involve 3 people into a 2 person activity. And unfortunately, I was the odd woman out. I was numero tres. I was the one that pretended to be hunched over the toilet, but was really crying my fucking eyes out.

I left immediately after, and of course Jordan fought me about it. He thought I was drunk. Yeah, I was drunk but I was more sad, and hurt.
And that is worse than drunk driving (not as bad as tired driving).

I'm tired posting. Goodnight. My eyes hurt from crying. I shouldve learned from Gossip Girl: NEVERRRRR HAVE A THREESOME!! THERE IS A REASON THEY CALL IT THE THIRD WHEEL!!!!

I'm terrified of the future.
I'm not ready.
I don't want to do anything. I just want to make money and survive.
I'm scared. I'm not good at music so how am I qualified to TEACH it?!
What am I going to do with my life?

yesterday/ last night was jordan's birthday.
and we talked about "us." especially in terms of when i graduate. basically, everything is up in the air and we will figure it out when we get there. but it seems like he's in it for the long haul. and now i figured out why i love him. he is so wonderful and makes me want to stop watching television for him. he makes me want to live life. and i love him so much. no question about it.

and im so glad that i am with him. and i hope it is for the long haul because he is the most amazing man i have ever met.

lately, i've been feeling kind of blah about my relationship with jordan.
i love him. i do! there is no denying that. and i know he loves me
but i wonder about a lot of things.
do i love the IDEA of someone loving me?... we sit at a table for too long and we don't have anything to say. i don't know if that is good because we can be good in silence, or there is always an awkward silence.

but i do love him. and i love being there for him. and i love him.

it's hard to write these thoughts down. I have so many thoughts in my head that I can't articulate. and it sucks. i want to rationalize everything. jordan's so good at that. but i don't know how to tell him these things. he makes me want to tell him everything. i am always so honest with him. how do i tell him that I don't think im happy? why am i not happy?